


Straight Talk: Erestor’s Advice for the Lovelorn

by fimbrethiel



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 15:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2585888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fimbrethiel/pseuds/fimbrethiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lord Erestor of Imladris decides to make his sage advice available to the Elven realms, and advertises a weekly “Advice for the Lovelorn” column in the Imladris Inquisitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Straight Talk: Erestor’s Advice for the Lovelorn

**Author's Note:**

> Original date of completion: August 2004 (?)
> 
> Co-written with sue_ductive
> 
> Author’s Note: A while back on one of the Yahoo lists we participate in, Master Erestor (as written by Fim), being of sage wisdom and wise counsel, advertised his services and received a number of startling questions from the denizens of Middle-earth (Sue’s “Talk” characters). We thought it would be funny to do a story in a similar vein. Concrete evidence, folks, that neither of us is of right mind.

**CLASSIFIED: MASTER ERESTOR'S ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN**  
  
Is your lembas limp? Has your get-up-and-go got up and went? Has a sweet young thing caught your fancy, and you don't know how to approach him? Or, horror of horrors, is the object of your desire of the female persuasion?  
  
Let Master Erestor help!  
  
Master Erestor of Imladris will be available to answer all those questions you've been dying to ask but were too embarrassed. Simply address your questions to "Master Erestor, c/o Imladris Inquisitor" and he will respond promptly. Anonymity guaranteed.   
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   
  
Dear Master Erestor,   
  
I need your help. I am a very old elf. I have lived through many battles. I have seen things that would make lesser elves cry. Nothing frightens me...NOTHING! But lately,...my spouse has been asking again for 'pleasures'. This frightens me. You see...to enter there is like entering a very cold place. A place where hopes and dreams go to wither. I am afraid that my....member will also wither! I have been avoiding her...saying that I have a headache...but she sees all. She knows where my passions lie.   
  
I have taken a young, pudgy male sentry as my lover. I am in bliss! I do not want to give that up and go back to that cold place. HELP ME!!   
  
Not from Lothlórien   
  


 

Dear Icebreaker,

It is not unusual for the fires of passion to dim a bit after so many years together. What you need to do is rekindle that fire. Candlelight, flowers, buy her candy and jewelry. You know, romance her. No, scratch the jewelry. She already has a Ring of Power, can you say, "gilding the lily"?   
  
Have you considered asking your pudgy male sentry to join you in hell... I mean, in  _bed_ with your spouse? A little somethin'-something' for all three of you? If you maneuver things right, you may not even have to go near the tip of the iceberg. Just a thought.  
  
Respectfully,  
Master Erestor of Imladris  
  
PS - I don't blame you at all, that mind-speak thing is rather disconcerting. It's just wrong. Imagine how embarrassed I was when she intruded upon the impure thoughts I had about you. Whoops. Didn't mean to write that...  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   
  
Dear Master Erestor,   
  
I don't LIKE to write letters or do much thinking about things...I just like to DO THEM! But I have this problem with my lover. He fusses and whines and pouts when I try to have him perform oral pleasures on me! He insists that I am too large (which I AM) and that I hurt his delicate facial muscles. WHINER!!   
  
Am I too large when he's playing 'spin cycle' on top of my member?? Am I too large when I do that thing with the honey?? NO, definitely NO!   
  
Now...STOP whining AND stop helping all of these silly, stupid elves with their dopey problems and let's play 'lollipop' together!!   
  
Guess who!!   
  


 

Dear Goldilocks,  
  
Try thinking with the head on top of your body and not "Little Glory". That would be a start.  
  
Perhaps your lover is tired of pleasuring you orally. Have you ever offered to return the favor?  
  
Didn't think so.  
  
Respectfully,  
Master Erestor of Imladris  
  
PS - Our rooms. One hour. Bring the honey. I really liked that. And  _please_ hang up your tunic.   
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   
  
Dear Master Erestor,   
  
I SOO have this problem...and ....like ....I don't know what to do. See...I've got this really HOT brother. He like...does this pouty thing with his mouth...and I SOOO want to stick myself inside of it!! I just like...so want him! He is SOO completely...like....beautiful! I would SOO kill to look like him.   
  
But here is the bad part! He like....doesn't even look at me!! He pleasures himself A LOT!! But ...like...I could be SOO doing that for him.   
  
Do I like...make the first move??? Or do I like...go, 'sib-cest is SOO wrong???' I'm gonna need some help here, comprende?? So...like make your answer REAL simple.   
  
Elro...a twin   
  


 

Dear Doppelganger,   
  
I will make my response simple enough so that even an imbecile such as you can understand.  
  
You are a twin. You DO look like him. What part of "twin" do you not understand?  
  
Just out of curiosity, are you identical everywhere? Surely you have looked when he pleasures himself.  
  
Finally, love between twins is never wrong. Quite on the contrary, it is revered by the One above all. I heartily encourage you to pursue the relationship with your twin.   
  
Respectfully,  
Master Erestor of Imladris  
  
PS - You are correct. He does look hot when he pouts.  
  
PSS - I also moonlight as a sex therapist; I would be happy to provide some... private lessons for you and your twin. In lieu of payment, I would really like to watch.   
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   
  
Dear Master Erestor,   
  
Hello toad. I wouldn't normally give one rat's arse about your advice...but I need your help! Where do you stand on the whole 'sex with the dead' thing? I've been thinking of putting some former lovers to death lately....but I was just wondering how long after death I could go back and get seconds if I change my mind? One hour after? One day??   
  
Don't want to do anything TOO hasty. But you can't be a good ruler if you don't carry out your threats.   
  
Thanks and still hate you!   
  
PS - And yes...'it' is pierced!!   
  
PSS - tell that cute little PR minx of mine that I can so have people killed. I can ...I really can!   
  


 

Dear Rigor Mortis,  
  
You are revolting.  
  
One rising of the sun is all I would safely say, before things begin to get messy.  
  
Think carefully about putting your lovers to death. The rate you're going, the entire populace of Mirkwood will be putrefying within a month.  
  
Respectfully,  
Master Erestor of Imladris  
  
PS - Really? Thinking of getting one myself. Did it hurt? A lot? Is it a bar or a ring? Send sketches. And can you play 'connect-the-piercings'?  
  
PSS - Your PR "minx" has threatened a lawsuit if you ever refer to her in that manner again. It would give me great pleasure to see you stripped of your... royal vestments... and your idiot son set in your place.   
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   
  
Dear Master Erestor,   
  
I have a tragic tale. My spouse departed for Valinor some time ago. Shortly afterward, I got involved with what I now know to be the love of my life. The problem is....I let him get away and walk into the arms of a pretty-boy with a large one.   
  
At night...I pace the library (NOT the Rivendell one) and think about what I lost. Do I tell him?? Make my feelings known?? Or just be happy for him that he has found someone, who in my estimation does NOT treat him well.   
  
I love you...I mean...thank you!   
  


 

Dear Jilted,  
  
First, I would offer my condolences on the loss of your loved one. Sometimes the ones we love the most are the ones we are forced to let go. It is a tragic thing, love...  
  
I understand your pain, for once upon a time I loved you... I mean...  _someone_ , but our love was not meant to be. He was always 'too tired', or his children needed something... such whiny brats I have never seen. The heir... Ai. A self-absorbed, promiscuous blowhard. And the spare? Horrors. I have seen more brains in a box of rocks. They were hot, thought.   
  
And let's not even get started on the daughter... she fancied herself in looooove. With a HUMAN, no less, YOUR OWN FOSTER SON! Do you see something wrong with that?? You always had to run off and bail her out of one emotional crisis after another, and you never gave any thought to me at all. Noooo, your precious children came first.   
  
Then that bloody Ring was found, and the Halflings arrived and ate us out of hearth and home, and you never had time for me. We made love MAYBE once a moon-time, because you were always "too busy" or "too tired" or "studying lore". Is it any wonder I dumped you and found someone who worships me? Who always craves my body? Who can never get enough of me?  
  
No? Good. I'm glad you're miserable. You hurt me, deeply. I love you still, but I hope you rot in the deepest, dankest dungeons of Dol Guldur for the way you neglected me. I've moved on. Deal with it.  
  
Respectfully,  
Master Erestor of Imladris  
  
PS - My arse is really,  _really_ sore from playing "bounce the Balrog" with a certain unnamed Elven-lord. Just wanted you to remember what you gave up. He's hung like... well, I don't want to sound cliché but he's hung like a Mearas. Really.   
  
PSS - Sometimes, late at night, when Stallion-boy is snoring so loudly he could wake the dark things from the pits of Moria, I lie next to him and think about you, and wish things could have been different.  
  
PSSS - But not that frequently. Usually Stallion-boy wakes up and we play giddy-up until dawn.  
  
PSSSS - That suspicious stain on your favorite upholstered chair in the library? It's honey. Don't ask.


End file.
